Mr. Quitter and I went out with some friends tonight. They are newish friends, a nice couple with a one-year-old baby and another one on the way. They’re family-focused people, not into partying, but we all get along well.

We went to the zoo for the Halloween festivities and then out to dinner. It was fun, and dinner was good, but now I’m just wiped out.

It’s weird, going out with people that I’ve never done drugs with. Most of my friends still smoke pot, and all of Mr. Quitter’s friends do. I have one friend who is in recovery, and she’s…

My husband came home from our last adventure in separation with a nasty cold, and he’s passed it along to me. My brain is full of gunk, and I can’t seem to get out of bed for very long. I’m a little freaked because I have such a huge stack of work to do, but I’m kind of thinking that my Higher Power might be looking out for me in this sickness. It’s been about 3 weeks since I’ve taken a full day off, and I’ve been wishing I could get a day with absolutely nothing to do.

Today isn’t a…

When I was working on the sex relations part of the fourth step, I remember thinking that this was probably one of the most difficult parts of Step Four. It’s all part of being honest with myself, but I really didn’t want to look back at my sexual history.  I’ve had my share of passionate moments and when putting it all down on paper, it made me realize that in lots of cases, I had very selfish motives.

I cared for several of the women that I was involved with but in some cases it was just to fulfill something in…

I was out walking with my daughter today, and she wanted to feed the birds. She didn’t want to feed the birds breadcrumbs or birdseed though; she wanted to feed them berries and acorns and pinecones we found along the way: things they could presumably just fly on down and eat if they wanted to. But not trusting them to pluck or find what they needed, she decided to pick these delicacies for them and pile them on the sidewalk where they would be easy to find.

When I was about her age, I lived near a field of tall grass…

I know I’m supposed to understand alcoholism as a disease which makes people act stupid and say dumb things. I do understand that. Understanding this sad fact is supposed to help me forgive those stupid words and actions. I know. It’s a disease. They can’t help it. I know, BUT…

I have a friend, Toby (not his real name), who relapsed about 6-8 weeks ago. Toby has been around the rooms of AA since, I believe, the 1970’s. He knows AA, its jargon, and how it all works (or is supposed to work) better than just about anyone. When he speaks,…

I was thinking about sharing at meetings. I’ve heard people share in lots of different ways. Some people have to vent their frustration. Some have a great deal of sadness that pours out. Others are profound. Regardless, sharing doesn’t have to be deep or philosophical. It can just be an expression of gratitude. For newcomers, sharing can be especially hard. It’s probably intimidating to talk in front of a group and bare your soul. I was ready to share at my first meeting because I needed to get so much of my story out there. I have shared at every…

I read an interesting talk by Bob Pearson who was General Manager of the AA General Service Office from 1974 to 1984, and then served as Senior Advisor to the G.S.O. from 1985 until his retirement. During the 1986 General Service Conference, Mr. Pearson made these interesting comments:

“Let me offer my thoughts about A.A.’s future. I have no truck with those bleeding deacons who decry every change and view the state of the Fellowship with pessimism and alarm. On the contrary, from my nearly quarter-century’s perspective, I see A.A. as larger, healthier, more dynamic, faster growing, more global, more service-minded,…

An unwelcome anniversary is approaching. In a few days, it will be two years since my 46-year-old friend, Kathy, tragically died after falling down her basement stairs.

Kathy was an RN at Generose, 2 East, Mayo Clinic’s adult psychiatric inpatient unit. That’s where we met. She was my primary nurse during my first admission to her unit. As my primary nurse, she spent a lot of time with me, and we quickly developed a bond. Through multiple admissions over 5-6 years, Kathy and I continued to cross paths. We developed a special bond. Nothing inappropriate, all professional boundaries were maintained, but…

“Admitted to God, to ourselves, and another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.”

-Step 5

Today, I finished telling my Step Five “and to another human being” story to my online step group. It was a really interesting, purgative experience.

The first time through Step Five, I was working the steps with a group of women from my Nar-Anon, and this step was a major point of sealing our relationships with one another. We all became much closer after revealing ourselves to each other, and I remember feeling like it was really powerful to see how letting our guard down about…

I’ve been working the 12 Steps with an online group, and after a few weeks compiling our fearless and searching moral inventories, our group finished Step 4. When I shared some of my work with my husband, he was amazed at how thorough the work was. “You’ve done about a years worth of work in a few weeks!” he said. And he means it.

Mark started working the steps five years ago when he began his recovery and he is currently on Step 7. Part of this is due to the painstaking thoroughness with with Mark approaches problems, and part of…

Because of my adventures in addict, I have a very, very low tolerance for addicts in the wild. A few days ago, I was paying for a faxed contract to an employer at the local UPS store, and there was a tweaky, twitchy, loud man in one corner using the office telephone. He had a bookbag, and he kept looking at me.

They can find me, and I can find them. I couldn’t stop looking at him, either. It’s magnetic.

I paid with a $10, and got back $8 in change. The man in the corner lit up when he saw me…

There is something going on with my husband, and I’m not sure what. He’s got a lot of opportunities facing him in terms of work. He’s gotten all of these opportunities on his own, and he seems to be doing a good job of suiting up and showing up for all the projects he’s found. It’s nothing steady yet, but it’s the kind of situation where one gig leads to another, which leads to another and another. If he doesn’t blow it, it might just turn out to be a great thing.

It is possible that a lot of his crappiness in…

I have been working on Step 4 of the 12 Steps, making my own fearless and searching moral inventory. This inventory is meant to contain my character defects, but also my character strengths. The problem is, it’s a lot easier to come up with a list of seventy-five million resentments than it is to come up with a handful of unqualified strengths. And I say “unqualified strengths,” because while there are many fabulous things about me, I’ve attached mental qualifiers to them all.

I’m caring, but I can spend so much energy caring for others that I don’t properly care for myself.…

I have been thinking about how most of my life I’ve loved in unhealthy ways. I have made a mess of love through my codependent behavior. I went into my marriage hoping to change the person that I loved from being a depressed unhappy drinker. I had tried on and off for several years before my marriage to figure out why I was willing to put up with the outrageous behavior of my SO. I guess as Tab states, it was the rose colored glasses that I chose to wear. If I had felt better about myself, I doubt that…

At the meeting last night, we talked about how alcoholism sets up a Merry-Go-Round of blame and denial. There are three types of people who ride the Merry-Go-Round with the alcoholic.

One is the enabler who is impelled to rescue the alcoholic from the disease. The enabler by trying to save the alcoholic also is meeting a desperate need himself. What happens when the enabler steps in is that the alcoholic is denied the process of learning from mistakes. Instead, the alcoholic learns that someone will be there to come to the rescue.

The other individual on the Merry-Go-Round is the victim.…

So my husband is back home, somewhat against my will. He’s home against the part of my will that is sane, healthy, and serves my best interest. The other part of my will is thrilled. The other part of my will wanted him to come home for sure, with no reservations, no hesitations.

So far, it’s been ok. The sane part of me set some boundaries and made sure that we have a deadline for checking in to see if those boundaries are being met. The crazy part of me couldn’t wait to get my clothes off, get his clothes off,…

I talked to a lady recently whose best friend had gone back out and was banging on her door at 3 AM. This lady has gotten back on her own feet, owns her own place, and was afraid that the police would be called if she didn’t let her friend in. She described how afraid she was and how she breached her own boundaries out of fear. The friend was drunk, incoherent, and a mess.

After a weekend of almost no sleep, the lady asked her friend to leave, took him to a meeting where he picked up a white chip,…

Mark and I recently went to a party. I’ve never been a big party person; more than once in high school and college (at the height of most people’s partying lives), I’ve called at the last minute to tell the host of a party that I couldn’t attend, because (although I never admitted this) I wanted to stay home and read a book.

What I like best about parties is getting the chance to catch up with friends and talk. Oh, and the cake. I like it if there’s good cake. What I’ve never found appealing about them is the noise,…

Imagine (and for those of you that have been through it, this isn’t a stretch) that you are a healthy, moderate drinker in a relationship with someone you come to realize, through great pain and damage, is an alcoholic. After having your life torn apart by the consequences of your partner’s drinking, you might (among many possible reactions) become so sick at the sight of alcohol that it simply doesn’t appeal to you any more, and you might find yourself giving up drinking, even though it is not harmful to you directly.

This is exactly the reaction I had to my…

I am thinking today about how much I enabled my qualifier over the years. Enabling to me means the things that I’ve done that might make it easier for the alcoholic to continue in the progression of the disease.

In many cases, enabling means that you cover for the person who is drunk by making up excuses or fixing things when they make a mess. My qualifier has always had a great job and has been functional. There wasn’t any binge drinking or staying out all night. It was more of an internal rage that resulted in the need to have several…