A meeting topic this week focused on guilt. It seems to be something that rises up for various reasons and can drag us down if we let it. Guilt is defined as having remorse for having done something wrong. What is important is to decide to forgive ourselves by letting go of what others have done to us. Forgiveness is where healing occurs.

I know that it’s easy to slip into the feelings of guilt. But guilt is like almost all feelings, best just felt and let go. The danger for me comes when guilt turns into shame, the feeling that…

I’ve heard a lot of jokes and humor regarding the Al-Anon program. I don’t take offense at them because there often is a misunderstanding of what the program is about.
What it isn’t is a program that bashes or promotes criticism of the alcoholic. In fact, Al-Anon encourages compassion towards the alcoholic. It is really about those who have been affected by the disease of alcoholism.I’ve listened many times over the past few years to a lot of pain coming from women and men who are living with active alcoholism. They cry in pain because someone they love is either dying…

One of the things that relatives of alcoholics do is put forth a happy face to the world that masks a mess underneath. I’ve always liked the saying that “Happiness is an inside job”. But one of the challenges in recovery is to understand how to go about fixing my inside so that I am able to feel the happiness that I know is buried within.

I’ve read something in one of the on line forums that it’s best to “live life, and allow happiness to find me”, as opposed to trying to pursue happiness. This is a lesson that is…

The other night, my husband and I were watching The Amazing Race, a show in which teams of two people follow clues to race to various destinations around the world. Many of the teams view this challenging competition as an opportunity to work together and become closer to each other, and this is true of one of the current teams, a married couple named Ken and Tina.

In the most recent episode, Ken expressed frustration at where their relationship was and said (I wish I had the direct quote, but I’m paraphrasing here) that he wanted to see more rapid change,…

unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy.
I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world
as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.

~Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book)

This past week has been one of those in which I look at my life, not with gratitude for all that I do have, but in despair for all that I don’t. I have been craving the things that others seem to have: time, money, older independent children (or no children…

I saw my husband earlier this week, and the brief contact with him seemed somehow to invigorate me. It was a good visit, and I’m glad he dropped by.

I am concerned for my sanity, though, in that seeing him had such a profound affect on my mood for days. I’m feeling much better about life because of a few minutes of contact with him. I don’t want something outside of myself and my own control to have such a profound impact on my ability to function. I’m glad to be feeling more back to myself, but I’m concerned about the way…

As part of the process of working through my Third Step, I did a two exercises designed to help put me in touch with my Higher Power.

In the first, I was supposed to meditate on people I’d admired and the spiritual gifts I’d received from them. But it was like trying to keep the foreground and background of a picture in focus at the same time. I’d think about the people, and God would slip out of focus. I’d quiet my mind and feel closer to God, and the people would slip away. Eventually, fuming with frustration, I decided to…

The following is a letter that appears in the booklet Al-Anon Faces Alcoholism 2009. I found this letter to be particularly moving. It pretty much sums up what I’ve felt in my relationship with the alcoholic.

You’re an alcoholic. I thought you needed me, that’s why I fell in love with you. It was easier to delve into your drama than to look at my own issues.

I wasn’t the problem; you were. If only I could fix you, we could live like normal people, happily ever after. With blinders on, I didn’t want to acknowledge your alcoholism as a disease.…

(photo from americanhistory.si.edu/collections/toolbox/machin.html)

My sponsor first told me about the God Box. I had never heard of this and at first it seemed like an idea that I would ignore. I have quite a few boxes around–antique ones mainly. I’ve always liked boxes and my recent purchase was a machinist’s chest from the late 1800’s. Anyway, someone had given me a small wicker box that was just sitting on the window seat in the master bedroom.

So when I was having a really bad day about six months ago, I wrote down a prayer for a friend and placed it in this…

Both my sponsor and my guru think I need some help with detachment.

Hah!

I agree. I need some help with detachment. I am not speaking with my husband right now, but I’m speaking all around him. I’m talking to his sister, his mother, and anybody else who might have some insight into what the hell I can do to fix him.

I can’t sever the ties. I can’t, can’t can’t do it. I can’t keep my hands out of his life, out of his business.

I’m not sure what I’m looking for when I speak with his mother. His sister, I can justify…

Someone asked me recently what has changed in my marriage since I discovered your sex addiction, and I gave her an answer — about building true intimacy and closeness in the real world, rather than the pleasant illusion of all that in a fantasy world — that was true, but not complete. One of the things that has changed is the way in which I view you yourself.

I have always loved you, passionately, irresistibly. You’re smart, kind, attractive and a joy to…

One of the fundamental tools I learned early on in recovery was HONESTY. It is key to any healing, growth and recovery. As an active addict—I lied. I told white lies that I thought were harmless and I told major lies that I knew were destructive. I lied about little things and I lied about big things. I strung together a laundry line of lies that got so tangled by the end of it that I couldn’t tell fact from my created fiction. The lies were a part of keeping my addiction alive and kicking. The lies were built from…

I was watching the dogs playing yesterday and thought how they are really living in the moment. They are good examples of the Keep It Simple philosophy. They enjoy the simple things such as a good stick or a puddle of water. They hardly ever are irritable and if they are, they deliver a swift message that doesn’t have any double meanings. They are happy for their biscuits and kibble One Day at a Time. The dogs aren’t worried about whether they are going to be fed tomorrow or whether they are going to be brushed tomorrow. They just enjoy…

If you were falling, then I would catch you
You need a light, I’d find a match
Cuz I love the way you say good morning
And you take me the way I am
If you are chilly, here take my sweater
Your head is aching; I’ll make it better
Cuz I love the way you call me baby
And you take me the way I am
I’d buy you Rogaine when you start losing all your hair
Sew on patches to all you tear
Cuz I love you more than I could ever promise
And you take me the way I am
You take me the way I am
You take me…

My friend hooked me up with some friends of hers who do this thing they call The Abundance. Every Friday, they get the culled items from one of the local organic-produce delivery companies, and they set all these awesome veggies out in boxes on the side of their house, send out a text message and it’s free for the taking.

I went for the first time a few weeks ago. There were boxes of little potatoes, big green leeks, leafy Swiss chard, peppers, onions, grapes and my favorite apples - Jona Golds. It was like an awesome, free farmers market, and…

I guess I’m in detox from my drug of choice.

I feel sick and empty inside. I can’t stop my eyes from leaking. I feel needy and desperate and I want to make somebody come take care of me.

I feel like I’m never going to be ok, ever again. I think that I know I will be ok, but I can’t feel it right now. I can’t get comfortable with myself. I can’t be still. I can’t sleep. I can’t think.

I want my husband, and I can’t find him. I could find his body, but he isn’t inside it. I don’t…

“If we can start seeing relationships not as the goal but as opportunities for growth then we can start having more functional relationships. A relationship that ends is not a failure or a punishment - it is a lesson.” Robert Burney
In writing the sex relations part of my Fourth Step, I started thinking back over the past romantic relationships. I’ve been thinking since I wrote the names down and what I did and what harms I caused, that many of those relationships were just part of the lessons in life. I wanted to find out what it was like to…

Tonight, I am very, very angry at my husband’s disease. I’m angry because I remember the sweet man I married, and that man is nothing like the man I’ve been living with over the past few weeks.

The reading in our Nar-Anon daily meditation book today, which was about detachment, said:

The addict has to take care of his or her own life struggles, as we have to take care of our own lives. They may not see there is a problem if they never have to experience it. It is my responsibility to take care of me and my life. By…

My husband and I have a special association with the weekend that marks the end of daylight savings time (or rather the weekend that used to mark the end of daylight savings time, since the powers that control such things have moved it around lately). Nineteen years ago, on the day we turned the clocks back, I met Mark. We joke that things were meant to work out that way to give us an extra hour together.

And while the time doesn’t change for another week yet, Mark decided to honor the old daylight savings weekend with a gift. He took…

We went to his parents’ house to have dinner tonight. It’s the first time I’ve been around them in a while. I didn’t deliberately decide to stop hanging out with his folks…it just kind of happened. I’ve been working like crazy since last May, which is around when I stopped spending as much time with them. Once it happened, however, I recognized that there was a significant drop in the drama factor in my life. His mother and father are both addicts, and so engaging with them is exhausting.

His mother and father have both made little remarks to let me…